How to make it as an "ALT" band

Alright ladies and gents, I have it all figured out. Basically there are 3 rules to remember before picking up that guitar and striking that first chord.

#1. No one actually cares!
-This is a big one, hence the reason why its first. Let's face it. You got a good review today, forgotten about tomorrow. You play a show here, play a show there. When it all comes down to it, does anyone actually care? Maybe this is why so many people in bands, unsuccessful ones most of all, act like turds. They are probably just so sick and tired of writing dumb songs and recording record after record and no ones paying attention. It's all because of this golden rule. Sorry guys.

#2. You need to trick them!
-This is key! Take a look at you and your songs. Both probably suck, but not everyone has to know it. If you are a total loser, just be confident, go buy some skinny jeans, an all-over print hoodie and some Nikes and you're set. Instant hipness! Now on to the music. You know it, your band knows it and I know it...its terrible. All you need to do if make it Lo-fi! Crank the treble remove everything else and you're set. You guys suck at playing your instruments? Become a noise experimental band! Sick!

#3. Finally, and this one often gets over looked, BLAST IT OFF!
-Now I know what you're thinking...this might sound contradictory to rule number 1, but it also involves a little bit of rule number 2. On the event that you might find someone who cares, you need to blast it in their faces that you're cool. The more people see you and your band name, you might actually trick them into thinking your good and cool.

Follow these rules and I can guarantee 100% that some blog might post about you and then you've made it. HIGH FIVE.

*Note this rules apply to more then just being in a band, it's a way of life.